Thursday, January 31, 2008

How to face your feelings?

As a recovering addict I still have a hard time facing my feelings. I usually have I hard time identifying the feelings I am experiencing which at times can be very confusing. This confusion usually leads to fear. Fear tends to make addicts want to run. As addicts we are good at running away from our feelings.

One of the biggest problems I have with my feelings, besides not knowing what I'm feeling, is feeling multiple feelings at one time. Normally when this happens my head is going a hundred miles a minute, my disease kicks into over drive, and I feel like the world is going to end. I usually feel crazy.

Over the years through my recovery I have learned some tools that I can use when I'm feeling crazy. The first thing I need to do is get in the moment. Where am I? I need to look at what is REALLY going on.

I have found that journaling is an amazing way to release these feelings and find out what is really going on up there. If I don't get the racing thoughts out of my head and onto the paper my head will continue to spin and my shitty committee will take over. I have found for me the best way to journal is to type so that I can get my thoughts out quicker.

By this time, if I haven't already, I take the time to say the Serenity Prayer. I reaffirm to myself that Gods is in control and His will for me is better then I could ever imagine. I know that I only have the power to change my actions and my actions can change the way I feel.

I usually call someone to verify that I'm not crazy and I'm not alone. They understand these feelings and thoughts and they share their experience with my.

This seems so simple but for an addict this clearly isn't the case. I do believe that we can't think ourselves into better living but we can live our way into better thinking. If we continuing to take positive action it will one day become a natural habit.

Just for Today I'm grateful that I have been given these simple tools to use instead of having to pick up.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Courage to change the things I can

I pulled myself out of the depression today. I took positive action. I prayed this morning and I didn't give in to my bed. I remembered all the things I have been through in my life and how they are no longer problems. Everything changes.

At the moment the situation seems so terrible. When we are walking through troubling times in our lives it is hard to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I get so caught up in the pain at times that I really don't feel like it will ever end.

In my right mind I can remember that this to shall pass. Nothing changes if nothing changes..... get your ass in gear and do what you can. Do one little thing to move forward and feel like you have accomplished something. Dishes, call someone, cook, go to a meeting, take a bath, clean.

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Saturday, January 19, 2008

Addiction and Depression

Another thing I struggle with is depression. Take today, I tried to get up and take care of lives responsibilities but instead I decided to go back to bed. Depression is a lot different then being sad. I would rather be sad. Depression makes me not want to go on. I makes me feel like life isn't worth living. I want to hide. I want to run. I don't want to face another day.
More about Depression

I can come up no other explanation other then I have a chemical imbalance. Last night I felt fine. In fact I felt great. I did all the things that make me happy. This morning I was overly loving but over all I felt good. There was beautiful snow falling outside. I had my morning coffee and cigarette. I started to clean the house and then.... crash. I don't feel like doing anything.

Many recovering addicts believe that all addicts need to be free from all mood and mind altering chemicals. As they say this drinking a cup of Starbucks and smoking their cigarette at 10 pm. Everyone is different. Everyone has and is entitled to their own opinions.

I have decided that the best thing for me is to be on antidepressants. I've tried so hard to pull myself out of this depression. I've prayed, meditated, read books, thought positive, reached out to others, made myself walk through it anyways, and eventually I got tired of trying. It is not something I talk about in meetings but I did talk to my sponsor and friends before I made the decision.

I know that todays depression won't last forever. I just have a hard time on the weekends when I'm not busy. I need structure. I need to stay busy with work and meetings.

For any addict that is struggling with depression I hope you know that you have a choice. There are many antidepressants out there that are nonaddictive and do not give you a hush or high. No one should be able to tell you what is right or wrong for you. Look to your higher power and remember, you are not alone.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

What would it be like to be....Normal

Us recovering addicts refer to non addicts as Normies. I sit here wondering today how different my life would be if I was a Normie. Do Normies have the same thought processes as me? I'm sure they don't but to what extent do we differ?
I have the hardest time keeping balance in my life. Once I find something that I like I just can't get enough. I'm hooked. It is usually something that allows me to not face reality. Just like the drugs did. Whether it be TV, shopping, sex, food, the internet, you name it. I guess that is why there are some many 12 step programs. So perhaps more people are like me than I think.
What I have found to be true is that if I don't keep recovery in the forefront of my mind I will get really out of balance. I need to keep in contact with my higher power, go to meetings, and surround myself with other recovery addicts.
Today I'm grateful that I'm not extremely out of whack!